Wal*$%&*Mart

My car dealership is offering a free oil change with a donation of a toy. I decided to take them up on the offer, and stopped by Walmart on the way home from lunch.

I picked up a soccer ball, figuring that's a good active gift for a boy or girl, and there's no other equipment needed to play.

So, I brought it up to the front of the store, and all the lines are super long. Except, that is, for the self-scan lines. I fell in behind a mother and daughter who are scanning their items. They finished the items, and tried swiping their card, to no avail. Unable to continue, they hit the button on the monitor labelled "I Need Help", and the light above the register began to flash.

"Oh, great", I thought. "I'm behind *those* people."

Eventually, they flagged down an employee who came over to help. However, they became irrelevant as another lane opened up, and I was able to sneak past while they continued their struggles.

I scanned my other item and stuck it in a bag, then swiped the soccer ball. Hmm, nothing.

*scan*

Nothing. I examined the packaging, and found no bar code anywhere to be seen. Thinking I must have missed it, I checked again. Nothing. Using my powers of deduction, I decided there must be one on the ball itself. So, I began spinning the ball in the case, while the assembled lines watched me. Finally, I located a small bar code on the ball, and turned back to the register.

*scan*

Nothing.

*scanscan*

Nothing.

*scanscanscanscanscanscanI'm not one of *those* peoplescanscanscanscan*.

Defeated, I pushed the "I Need Help" button and waited. And waited. And waited. They should really rename it to the "I want that light above me to flash and draw attention to my ineptitude" button, because no one ever came to help. I trust the two associates talking to the cashier at the next register over had some very good reasons.

Determined not to give up, I found a "Key Pad" button on the screen. I pressed it, and tried punching in the number under the bar code. Suddenly, "Soccer Ball" appeared on the screen!

Feeling pretty smart, I chose "Credit Card" as my payment type. Up popped a screen that asked me to enter my PIN. Now, I understand that when I swipe a card and it doesn't know how I want to use the card, it needs some instruction. But this register was suffering from short-term memory loss, because I said "Credit Card" not 5 SECONDS AGO.

So, I did the only thing I could. I pushed "Cancel". Naturally, up came the screen asking me to sign. So, I did, approximating something like "DfAS_d N Ga&r*es" on the electronic signing screen. Out came a receipt, and I made a beeline for my car.

And as I walked out the door, the "I Need Help" sign stopped blinking.